You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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