Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
