Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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