Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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