Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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