The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
