I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
