i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
