I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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