Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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