things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
