toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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