Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
