Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
