is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish you could order shots online.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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