I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
