he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
