How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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