Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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