Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
