Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
