Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
