Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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