That's intense
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
