If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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