No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
im six kinds of drunk right now
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
