But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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