I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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