3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
