the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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