my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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