just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
