Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize