"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
