dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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