Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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