They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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