just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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