I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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