I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize