In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
