At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
