The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
