Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
