I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
wow bdsm is so cute
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
