Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can I color on your dick again?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
