who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
