I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
