I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
