i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
