Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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