Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
