I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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