Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
