Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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