why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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