HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
