Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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