Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
