I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
