I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize