M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Four minutes until I can fart!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
