she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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