Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
