i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
