Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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