I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
