1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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