Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
