Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
