so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
