You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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