i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
