The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
