i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
