never play flip cup with pint glasses
People in love make me want to vomit
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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