I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
